Singleness

Some rambling thoughts on singleness in a rough draft form. Critiques, disagreements, suggestions, and notifications of typos are always appreciated.

It's amazing to me how often at church, the pastor feels it necessary to mention marriage and romantic relationships in sermons. It seems that a Sunday doesn't go by that the whole idea of marriage isn't brought into a sermon, whether it validly fits or not. And each time he asks, "Do you remember when you first started dating your spouse," I catch myself thinking, "No, and I have no idea what that was like." And more than once, I've caught myself, to quote Caedmon's Call, wondering if "Maybe I have the gift that everyone speaks so highly of / Funny how nobody wants it."
The gift that everyone speaks so highly of is singleness (or celibacy), and it amazes me how we (myself included) react with such dislike to the idea of such a state being a gift. It's almost like we treat singleness not as a gift but as a curse. I know that I often react with disdain to the idea that somehow, I may be single the rest of my life. I want to scream to God that it's not fair. Men who see women as objects wind up married, while men who would make excellent husbands (perhaps I'm in that group; I'm hardly an objective judge of myself) are bachelors. It makes no sense. Most people in the Church react similarly, and prefer not to think about the issue since they can't make it reconcile with all of the "marriage language" in Scripture.
Jesus, however, addresses this very issue in commenting on marriage. He says, "For some For some are eunuchs because they were born that way; others were made that way by men; and others have renounced marriage [or made themselves eunuchs] because of the kingdom of heaven. The one who can accept this should accept it" (Matthew 9:12, NIV). (I think that, based on the context, it seems safe to say that Jesus is thinking about marital status when he uses the word "eunuch" here, which is probably why the NIV renders the last of the three phrases "renounced marriage" instead of "made themselves eunuchs.")
Based on this passage, there seem to be at least three classes of people who never marry. One is those who were born with some sort of physical condition (severe mental retardation, e.g.) that prevents them from functioning in a marital relationship. A second are those who because of something done to them, never marry, and the third group are those who forgo marrying in order to devote themselves fully to God.
The vast majority of single people in churches today fall into the second class. They are unmarried because of something done to them, whether by others or by themselves. The key here is that these people often do not want to be where they are. The Church, I'm afraid, has not handled this group very well. They too often try to treat them as if they belonged in the first or third classes, instead. Some unintentionally treat those who are single as if there is something wrong with them, and shuffle them off into singles' groups, where their "needs" can be addressed. The thinking seems to be a sort of "put the mutants all at table 9" attitude. This sort of approach does nothing to help a person with the gift of singleness learn to treat singleness as a gift. Instead, it simply devalues the person by telling him, "You're anathema because you're not married. Get away from us, you freak!" The result is a feeling of being worthless not only in the eyes of others but also in the eyes of God.
At the same time, other people try to treat everyone who is single as if they are single because they are on some sort of "mission from God." The most frequent refrain of these people is "just remember that Jesus was single and that Paul was single." This attempted encouragement, while well-meaning, tells the single person that his singleness is God's way of making the single person more spiritual. It ignores, however, that Paul and Jesus both chose singleness "for the kingdom of God." Most people who are single, however, did not choose their state. It was forced upon them in some way, meaning that they don't want to be in the condition that they are in. Thus, when someone tells a single person that his singleness makes him more spiritual because he is like Paul or Jesus, the single person invariably feels inferior because he isn't super-spiritual the way people say they should be. The end result of this sort of counsel is a feeling of inferiority.
I've talked a little about how not to treat those who are in the second classification of those who have the gift of singleness. I want to take a moment, as one who may well be a part of the second group (even though I pray daily that I am not), to suggest some ways that the Church might better handle those who are single. First, remember that they are human beings just like anyone else. They are no more broken than any married person, and need friendships with others who share their interests, not just their marital status. Second, remember that just because a person is single, do not automatically assume that he doesn't understand the time pressures that families face. Single people face time pressures far worse than any family because if a chore has to be done, the only person to do it is the single person. Third, be careful how marriage is held up in services and teaching. Discuss it, treat it with honor, and use it sometimes as an analogy, but don't refer to it constantly. Constantly talking about marriage will only accentuate the pain a single person feels and make them feel inferior. Lastly, while singles-only small groups are great, all single people to be part of small groups with married people if their natural inclinations so lead. This will allow the single person to feel less isolated from the rest of the Body of Christ.
Again, these ideas are my first attempt to delve into this issue in a logical fashion. I'm sure that they overstate (or understate) certain aspects. I welcome any thoughts or corrections. And I hope and pray daily that God, in His mercy, will see fit to bring into my life a woman of God with whom I can happily share many years of worshiping and enjoying Him and the life He has given us. Yet, I also know that at my age and in my circumstances, I may well be one of those who has "the gift that everyone speaks so highly of." If I do indeed have this gift, then it's getting to the point where I need to stare the facts square in the face and begin to try to be a member of class three: those who renounce marriage for the glory of God.