An cautionary note: this post is long and gets a bit heavy before ending in a more positive manner. If at any point it gets too heavy for you, skip to the final paragraph. With that note completed, we proceed.
The day that I have been dreading for an entire year is here: my 30th birthday. I have found that no one really understands why I have dreaded the advent of my 30th year so much. Even I haven't totally understood it myself. It is only in writing this that I think I am fully beginning to understand why I have so wished that the calendar would stop its dread onward march.
"What," many have asked me, "is so awful about turning 30? You get an insurance break; it means you're a year wiser now; it means that you have entered the prime years of your life." And it also means that God has blessed me with another year of life.
All of this is true (and good and wonderful), but there is something about a milestone birthday like this that causes me to pause and reflect, with dismay, at how quickly the past few years have passed. It seems like only yesterday that I was 25, happily going about life, worshiping God and serving Him. Now, all of sudden, here I am, 30 years old, and it seems to me that my life is passing me by. It touches on my greatest fear that I'm going to wake up one day and find myself aged 85 years and on the brink of death, having passed through all of my life without enjoying it as God recommends in Ecclesiastes, without taking care of the tasks that He gave me to do, and without anything changing in my life.
It's the third item that scares me the most: the lack of change. At 25, I pictured my life at 30 to be substantially different from how it was then. It turns out, though, that my life at 30 looks remarkable similar to life at 25.
Let me try to explain it this way. There are milestone moments in everyone's life that mark significant changes: getting a full driver's license at 16, graduating high school at 18, graduating college at 22. Most people in their 20s enjoy two more such moments: getting married and having children. Almost all experience these two events before the age of 30. I have not been blessed with either of these last two moments, and thus in some ways my life has felt like it has been on pause for the past 5 or 6 years, like my early twenties have been carried on interminably and become spread thin "like butter that has been scraped over too much bread." I feel like I've been holding my breath waiting for the next changing moment, waiting for that next "transition time", waiting for the next phase of my life to begin. Yet, those events haven't happened. Now, as I hit 30, I find myself having spent 5 years holding my breath, realizing that I have missed out on those two great milestones of being in one's mid to late 20s and also realizing how grim the hopes are of ever enjoying either of these two events. (Not to mention realizing with sadness that missing those moments is largely my own fault for missing opportunities.) And I have to ask, "Am I going to have to spend the rest of my life on 'pause?'"
Enough with melancholy thoughts, though! There have been so many good times and so many blessings in the past 5 years. I would not now wish to go back and trade a single one of them for something different! I have enjoyed the opportunity to teach my students, to coach soccer, and to worship and serve God. I have loved so many minutes of it. And if my life has to be "on pause," then I can think of no better way to spend my "paused" time than in the manner in which I have spent it. Praise and thanks be to God for the myriad of joyful experiences and blessed moments which have filled these past 5 years! To all of you out there who have wished, do wish, or will wish me a happy 30th birthday: Thank you from the bottom of my heart. One of the greatest joys of turning 30 is realizing that God has blessed me with so many more wonderful friends than I had at 25. It is a blessing and a privilege to have been your friend these past few years, and I look forward to many years more.
9 comments:
Thank you so much for sharing your insight with your fellow bloggers. I hope that even if your life has felt "on pause," that you can see it as an opportunity to blaze your own path, to take the road less traveled, if you will. Perhaps you have not followed the traditional milestones, but that simply accentuates the individuality of your life... And I personally think you have and will continue to do great things- namely, making a difference in the lives of the generations to follow you. You know, you say you have not had the pleasure of having children, and while I understand your sentiment, please realize that you have had that parental influence on every single person in every class you have taught. Your role as a leader and a mentor has been channeled into a different direction... Not erased, just not always articulated.
Thank YOU.
You have a bit of a point about the parenting thing. It's not quite the same, but at least I get to skip past all the diapers, temper tantrums, and toilet training!
AND you don't have to teach them how to drive!!! :D
james, thank you for your vulnerability -- i pray God will bless you specifically through having shared from your heart. "teach us to number our days, that we may get a heart of wisdom." (psalm 90:12)
happy birthday, friend.
It's late, but Happy Birthday!
And the last 5 years have been at CP, don't tell me that's not the best thing in the world. Come on, you've had students like Christa and me. Definitely not wasted time.
You have a point, Betsy. The last five years have been enjoyable, especially because of students like you and Christa.
That's all I'm saying...
It wouldn't hurt you to say it once in awhile... *tear*
Meaning to my students? To myself? Both? To anyone and everyone? I don't follow you...
It's not that I see the last five years as bad so much as that I wish that they could have included one more joyful event. But God had other plans, and I know that it was a blessing to have been teaching in such a great place for so long! I would not trade the last five years for anything.
That's the spirit!
I really didn't need to add that, the conversation was pretty much closed, but I think it's hilarious that we're having, like, six conversations at the same time in your comments!
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